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Questioning myself

October 3, 2008

That my the peace of my inner self is the top most priority in my life – is without question the truth.

But what I fail to understand are my my awkward pointed reactions to imaginary things and dipping back into lethargy and accusations of imperfection in self.

This is the same pattern I have been witnessing over many years now – but now whenever it happens it is far more irritating and painful since my desire and need to be in balance is getting stronger .

So what happens is a kind of an inner conflict. Again and again the same thing.

Best is to meditate at around 3:45 am till 4:20 – then go for a walk and come back and start the day at 5.

Wow thats like honey 😉 Coz vibrations and balance auto exist at 4:00 and one need not do Anything at all !!!! 🙂

Honestly I question my reactions – my inner anger – my inner violent temperament – everything and I really feel ashamed that they exist inside me – i really do. And sometimes I get tired fighting against them

SMJ says you cant fight against your own ego – because what is fighting it is also a Myth. Amazing stuff.

I will tell you how I am trying to talk my Mind to get out of this swirling cloud of disturbance and walk into lands of peace and oneness – somehow – taking one step at a time – There has to be a WAY OUT !! 🙂

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I note down a very strong conflict of interest between what I do and and what I SHOULD be doing?

Now I need to analyse and think carefully why it exists – am I dumb? Have I got low incentive for what I SHOULD be doing – do i do an impact analysis before doing things?

Should I note down the conflict of interests and draw a graph out if – in Fx technology 😉  hehe – yeah i mean that sounds fine with me – better to do something rather than nothing at all – I also need to study ways and means of giving initiatives for the positive things to take place….hmmmm

Why dont we really SEE things as they REALLY Are – (Btw I hate using caps – because to me it seems as though the person is shouting – but here I intend to shout at myself only so its forgivable…) The reason we dont see them as they are is that we dont have answers – we earnestly dont know and so find it better to say that I dont see them  – otherwise it becomes a question of staying sane.

I mean before you start seeing the complete universe – you see the partial stuff – which is real stuff happening around  you and inside you (all darkness) and its almost a part of insane destruction.

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